Motherhood

I’ve been thinking lots lately about the “subplot” of motherhood … the stuff that goes unnoticed … the “behind the scenes” action or work … the secrets … the surprises … the things you WANT to do that have nothing to do with your kids (like writing or creating or just having a minute to yourself) … the things you HAVE to do … your own “messes” or issues … 

Motherhood is an inability to fixate or focus on anything or anyone for any length of time … it’s a life of “snippits” … a series of fragmented, tiny moments … our thoughts constantly darting from one child to another … a relentless “what’s next” or “who needs what” mindset … sit and savour, but only until it’s time to prep the next meal or snack or get ready for hockey practice or horseback riding … sometimes it’s just these “small” things we need to think of … other times it’s much more … a road trip, a special birthday celebration, a holiday, Christmas … a mother’s incessant desire to make all of these things great … to ensure nothing is forgotten or missed … a constant attempt to be thought-FULL … every detail considered and taken care of … because we want what’s best for them … we want things to be special for them … we want to witness their joy, their excitement, their awe and wonder … we’re opportunity “providers” … experience “givers” … 

We attempt to “draw them in” … we want them to come alongside what MUST be done (like the laundry) … we try to teach them what’s right, force independence, cultivate responsibility, spend time with EACH of them, build their faith, let them play, clean up, and all as we support them through their own “messes” or trials … 

Again and again, lately, people have been commenting about how my little family is growing up … and they are … so so quickly … the days, the months, the years keep “slipping” by … perhaps you’re like me and can’t actually believe it’s nearly Christmas time again … weren’t we just camping like last week? Wasn’t Cambri just born? 

Motherhood is like juggling slippery slime (or oobleck), trying to hold it all together in the palms of your hands, but the slippery ooey gooey bits and pieces keep leaking through the cracks of your fingers. 

This is how I picture my motherhood most days … with so many things to focus on, so many things to create, so many things to consider day after day after day … it can be hard to fix my eyes on the three amazing humans I brought into this world … the three little people right in my midst who call me Mom … and I mean LITERALLY fixing my eyes, actually SEEING, studying, savouring, and celebrating these amazing humans that God gave me to mother. Too often, I get to the end of the day and wonder: Did I even LOOK at Cambri today? Did I actually SEE Madilyn? Did I LISTEN to (and HEAR) Mackenzie today?

This is motherhood … a season of “squeezing” things in … living in the sometimes limited “spaces in between” … it’s a few minutes of play dough and a quick bible story before heading to the hockey game … it’s bedtime stories and quiet time in the afternoons … it’s family dinners some nights (and supper on the run others) … it’s packing lunches and being “right on time” (never early) … it’s being as intentional as possible …  it’s trying to do it all, but still feeling like it’s not quite enough … it’s giving one child what they need and ignoring the rest … it’s humbling and messy and exciting and hard … it’s lovely and full and sometimes just completely crazy … it’s hugs and kisses … tickles and giggles … it’s disagreements … it’s holding on … it’s letting go …

Motherhood is WAY more than I could have ever imagined … it’s WAY more than what we actually see … motherhood isn’t ONE thing … it’s countless things … it’s a billion little blessings … a million little trials …