Lately, I’ve caught myself feeling like I don’t recognize myself anymore …
Sure, I’ve lost ten pounds in the last month or so, so that’s different …
I’ve grown my hair out (again) in the last couple of years …
I’ve got some new spectacles (back in November) …
But, the “differences” I’m talking about aren’t physical …
Sure, there’s the Leanne who still mutters curse words under her breath over minor little irritations (like things falling or not fitting into a cupboard or drawer).
There’s the Leanne who “rises to the challenge” of showing up for her family the best she can.
There’s the Leanne who “gets shit done.”
There’s the Leanne who’s “organized,” but still floundering in a sea of papers and clutter.
There’s the Leanne who yearns for QUIET and SOLITUDE.
There’s the Leanne who loves to read (but doesn’t always apply what she learns).
There’s the Leanne who avoids cleaning the bathtub and washing the floors.
There’s the Leanne who struggles with “out of sight, out of mind” (so she leaves stuff “out”).
There’s the Leanne who yearns for the perfect “organizational” method, but understands there’s no such thing (and becomes crippled with INACTION at times).
There’s the Leanne who cringes with sharp tones and hurtful words.
There’s the Leanne who goes for a walk (and does a tiny strength routine) most days.
The Leanne who shows up well in her job …
And there’s the Leanne who struggles to support her daughters “emotionally.”
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But, I’m not sure where the “build a new habit and stick with it” Leanne went …
Where the “learn something new and teach it to others” Leanne is …
Where the “try something new” Leanne is …
Where’s the “show up regularly on my FB-page” Leanne?
The “writer” Leanne?
The “podcaster” Leanne has been MIA since early April …
Where’s “dreamer” Leanne? “Future-thinker” Leanne?
Where’s “planner” Leanne?
Where’s the Leanne who stretches four mornings a week?
Where’s the Leanne who wants to make a difference in the world? In her community?
Where’s the “influencer” Leanne?
Where’s the Leanne who wants to inspire others?
Where’s the “lifecoach” Leanne? “Teacher” Leanne?
This whole “experience” feels so odd … so foreign … there appears to be a “shedding” of sorts of an old life … of an old “person” … I don’t recognize this “new” Leanne … yet my feelings are “neutral” on the whole subject … except for the fact that I started this year with so many plans and aspirations, so many intentions, and I can’t seem to find meaning within these things anymore … I can’t see the purpose … I don’t see the point …
And I’m not even interested in trying to find the purpose or the meaning or the point … again, this feels “foreign” … odd … weird … because it’s so different … so “new” …
I’m trying to resist the temptation to “rank” or “evaluate” “OLD” LEANNE vs. “NEW” LEANNE … though I’ve caught myself feeling that “old” Leanne was definitely “better” than “new” Leanne … she DID more, DREAMED more, CREATED more, “TRIED” more …
“New” Leanne doesn’t want to do stuff … “New” Leanne is focusing on “the basics” … “New” Leanne doesn’t have any lofty dreams, desires, or goals … “New” Leanne doesn’t seem to want to “plan stuff” or “commit” to anything … “New” Leanne seems to be taking things day by day …
As I consider this “identity crisis” of sorts, I can’t help but think of the possible “cause” of this change in me … though I’ve tried to remain “neutral” about the realities of living amidst a pandemic (for the last 14 months), recognizing (and accepting) the things that are beyond our control, a side effect of living in isolation, of being denied opportunities to contribute in a meaningful way, of participating in group activities, and the like … is losing the ability to attribute meaning to ANYTHING any more … initially (like for the first nine months or so), I was “gung-ho” about the extra time this pandemic allotted me for the things that were important to me … for the things I wanted to do (like publishing two books in 2020) … but, slowly, and surely, and steadily, the “life” … the “spirit” … the “enthusiasm” for all the things that were so important to me at one point has fizzled …
Again, my feelings about the whole thing are “neutral” … as I’ve apparently REALLY adopted a new attitude of “It Is What It Is” … even though OLD LEANNE would have NEVER accepted such a view on life …
I definitely feel like a hypocrite of sorts, especially lately, as I’m finding “walking the talk” a bit more challenging … I’m having a bit of trouble with “What Do You Want the Story to Be?” … with “Do It Anyway” … with “Change It” … as such, I’ve been a little “quiet” on here lately … I suppose this is all just a part of the journey, so no need for me to wallow in self-pity or get discouraged … sometimes it’s important just to “Acknowledge What Is” …
Our Life Well Lived - Leanne Hintz 