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I See You

Today at lunch, “a minor upset” turned into “a major upset” for me … like sitting on my bedroom floor and just having a good old cry kind of major upset …

A few too many “demands,” coupled with some complaints about “flat” soup and no carrots in the veggie bowl, followed by a too harsh tone (or at least I thought so) towards a three-year-old … and suddenly I didn’t feel like eating the soup and sandwich in front of me … a wash of emotions flooded in and I left my family at the lunch table … 

I could sense resentment creeping in (since I had “slaved away” in the kitchen for the hour prior to lunch while others played or sat on the couch and watched TV), but I tried not to “go there.” I know I’m prone to resentment and I have worked hard to recognize it when it surfaces.

That wasn’t it anyway … as I sat there on the floor, I tried to figure out what was “really” going on … within a few minutes, a wave of emotion washed over me … this was sorrow … real sorrow as I felt “unseen” by my husband … “unseen” by my children … we’ve been together for so long, we don’t even “see” each other anymore, it seems … we aren’t “noticing” … we seem to just “expect” someone’s presence … someone to take care of things … we don’t give it (or them) a second thought … even WITHIN the presence of my family … I felt “unseen” …

And as I felt “unseen” (in a rather small way actually) … I couldn’t help but mourn for all the others who must also be feeling “unseen” or “unheard” or “unnoticed” right now … a patient trying to get answers from their doctor … a woman with a husband in a long-term care home … a widow (or widower) … a single mother (or father) … a child learning-from-home … while I have the gift of four humans in this house, others don’t have ANYONE … if I am feeling this much “heaviness” over a few seemingly “normal” (albeit unpleasant) family “events,” imagine what others are experiencing right now … 

Today, as I sat on the floor of my bedroom, I realized the importance of “seeing” people and letting them know you “see” them … yet we’re living in a time when “seeing” people is actually against the “rules” … we’re living in a time when it’s actually really hard to “see” people … when we are out, we’re masked … our glasses are fogged up … we can’t tell who someone is because of their mask … visitors are limited in hospitals and long-term care homes … we’re “losing sight” of facial expressions and the little nuances that convey SO MUCH MORE than the words that are spoken … conversation is “rushed” because it’s uncomfortable (or someone is waiting for their turn to enter) … we’re not supposed to linger … to stand around and visit … we literally can’t “see” people … we can’t sit in the same room with them (unmasked) and drink coffee or tea (or we’re not really supposed to anyway) … people can’t lip read anymore … so they miss things … and they are missed … 

And, it’s all … just … so … hard … the weight of it all is just really heavy today for some reason … maybe it’s because it’s been 331 days of this … maybe it’s because I haven’t spent time with anyone besides my husband and my kids in weeks (save one quick visit from my mom last week) … maybe it’s because I haven’t got enough fresh air lately … maybe it’s because an older “friend” was diagnosed with cancer yesterday … maybe it’s …

I know, I know … “Our Thoughts Create Our Experience” … trust me, I know … but perhaps today, I just need to “Sit in the Sadness” for a minute … give credit where it’s due … acknowledge the utter “suckiness” of living in the middle of a pandemic (don’t worry, I KNOW things could be worse) … perhaps today, someone out there just needs to know that they’re not alone in their loneliness … perhaps someone out there just needs someone to say, “This sucks!” … or that phone calls and Facetime just don’t cut it … sure, they’re great, but they’re not the same as bodies in space together … perhaps someone just needs to hear, “YOU are not alone” … or “I’m thinking of you today” … or maybe they (and you) just need to know that I “see” you … 

Today, I see you …

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