I Can’t Fix This

Last week was rough … I spent the week feeling “edgy” … “irritable” … “off” … I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was bugging me, but I was definitely suffering … I continued doing “all the right things” … walks, water, tapping, some stretching, my daily gratitude list, and the like … but I just couldn’t seem to shake these icky feelings … nothing was satisfying … nothing was pleasant … nothing was joy-filled … 

Finally, I sat down to make a list … What IS it that’s eating me alive? What am I (secretly) yearning for? Wishing for? 

In my job … I desperately want our twice-weekly Learning Camps back (I’d settle for once a week actually) … I want to go on Field Trips with my families … I want to sit down BESIDE my students (at least ONCE IN AWHILE … a few times a year) … I want a conversation that isn’t interrupted by a poor Internet connection … 

For my kids … I want to celebrate Advent IN church … I want them to have friends over … I want them to have babysitters (they LOVE their babysitters) … I want them to have HUGS … 

For the Christmas season … I want to attend the Christmas Church Tea in PR … I want to see the wonder in my kids’ eyes when Santa “arrives” at the community potluck supper … I want to organize and host a Christmas talent night at the church (like we had last year) … I want another Christian worship night … food, fellowship, and good Christmas music … I want to sing ALL the Christmas carols … in church … in unison … 

For me … I want a few good long (in-person) visits with some of my best friends … I want a nice evening out with my husband … I actually want HUGS too … I want “extra” children in my home to do fun stuff with … I want to host … I want a “get-away” … 

Under normal circumstances, I make a point of getting what I want … 

But these aren’t NORMAL circumstances, and many of the things I want right now … in my work, during this season, with others … I simply CANNOT have … I feel powerless … and in that powerlessness, there is sorrow … and heartache … and sadness …

And I know I shouldn’t sit in the sorrow … the heartache … the sadness … but I still think it’s important to “name it” … recognize it … and “see it” for what it is … 

As I struggle with these things despite all the blessings in my life (the list is long), I trust there are others suffering too … 

If you look closely at what this is all about though … you’ll see that I’m pining for one of our most basic needs … 

HUMAN CONNECTION … meaningful HUMAN CONNECTION … this is ALWAYS a yearning of mine actually, and I’ve certainly wrote about this topic before, because it matters (see “The Importance of Meaningful Human Connection”). 

I feel so crippled right now (as many do, I’m sure), because I can’t “fix” this … I can’t create these opportunities to connect … I can’t … I can’t … 

And, though this week has been a bit better mood-wise (thankfully) with some renewed attempts to just “be fully present wherever I am in whatever I’m doing” … these “can’ts” persist … 

#ourlifewelllived