Kindness, Love, and Respect
Written by Leanne Hintz
November 11, 2020
Today, my husband went to the hunting shack. Under “normal” circumstances, I would have been irritated by this little get-away … jealous maybe … likely even a bit resentful …
I would have tainted the whole experience with snide remarks, withdrawing, the silent treatment, or just avoiding him altogether …
But I didn’t do any of this … and I wasn’t irritated, jealous, or resentful …
Those feelings were simply not present this time.
But why?
What’s changed?
Well, thankfully, a lot has changed in the last several months … I’ve been working on and through A LOT of things …
I’ve discovered who I am (via the Enneagram) … I’ve revealed my “deadly sins” … my hangups … and the issues I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life …
Knowing these things actually allows me to be a better version of myself … knowing RESENTMENT is an issue for me (at my lowest expression) has been super powerful … I can see resentment when it presents itself … name it … reframe the situation … then just let it go, rather than letting it take a foothold as I would have in the past …
Beyond the Enneagram, I’ve made some great efforts in the last couple of months to stay present. When we focus on past thoughts and future thoughts, anxiety builds … worry persists … being mindful and focusing on what’s right in front of me has been a powerful mindset tool … a trip to the hunting shack in the past would have been loaded with “what-if” thoughts … what if something happens? What if he gets hurt? What if? What if? What if?
But not this time …
Closely linked to mindfulness, and another powerful tool I’ve been using for the last couple of months, is tapping … at the end of August, Trina Markusson of Present Moment Living was our keynote speaker at one of our division inservice days. She led us through several mindfulness and tapping exercises; I then joined a couple of her 14-Day Mindfulness Challenges to start making mindfulness and tapping a regular part of my life. I have worked through a lot of tough feelings and tough emotions in the last couple of months using Markusson’s app (called Release). I really encourage you to check it out!!!
Beyond this, I’ve had to work hard to let go of my limiting beliefs. This has been a longer process (and new limiting beliefs creep in all of the time), but “doing the work” in this regard has been super powerful.
First, let me take a minute to tell you what limiting beliefs are …
Limiting beliefs are negative thought patterns … they’re beliefs that “get in the way” … beliefs that prevent us from being the best versions of ourselves … beliefs that BIND us to our past … a tethering of sorts … beliefs that pull us down or hold us back … beliefs that prevent us from moving forward … beliefs that prevent us from seeing “anew” … beliefs that prevent us from seeing things in the present AS THEY ARE / for what they are … beliefs that tell us we’re not good enough … beliefs that tell us what we can and cannot do …
Limiting beliefs are very, very powerful …
Which is why it’s CRITICAL for us to “do the work” to sort through these negative thought patterns …
And now, it’s CONFESSION TIME …
For 17+ years, I spent my time and energy trying to prove that my husband DID NOT love me …
Do you need to go back and read that again????
17 years!!!
When I put that in writing, I actually can’t believe I wasted so much time searching for (and believing I’d found) evidence that my husband didn’t love me …
He had to work on a Saturday? Mustn’t love his family enough to stay home.
Stopped somewhere on the way home from work? Mustn’t love us enough to rush home.
Distracted by a TV show? Clearly doesn’t love me.
Forgot to take out the garbage? Obviously, he hates me; otherwise, he wouldn’t have forgotten.
Left his dirty clothes on the floor? See! I told you he doesn’t love me.
Of course, I can see how ludicrous this all is NOW … but how could I have wasted 17 years with such negative thoughts about my husband? About myself? About our marriage?
It’s shameful!
The truth is … my husband DOES love me … he has always loved me … in fact, in the almost 19 years we’ve been together now, he has done NOTHING to make me question his love for me …
Yet MY limiting beliefs … MY hangups … MY issues … made our lives truly miserable at times … these thoughts have not served me … and they certainly have not served our marriage …
I am so grateful NOW that I’ve done “the work” to let these feelings of unworthiness GO! And while this is a super important piece of the puzzle, there’s MORE …
Another equally important task for me?
Writing my eulogy … that’s right … I was told (in a book I was reading) to imagine my funeral … imagine what people were saying about me … imagine the imprint I’d left on the ones I’d left behind …
For this exercise, I had to get honest with myself … I “got real” and wrote down everything … the good, the bad, and the ugly … I even wrote down the stuff I didn’t want to live with anymore … the stuff I didn’t want said (or felt) by the ones I’d left behind …
I didn’t like the way this one sat …
Leanne struggled with feelings of resentment, especially towards her husband, and even at times towards her children.
Or this one …
She was always kind (but not to her husband).
Instead, I wanted my husband to remember kindness, love, and respect. I wanted to be someone who helped him … my husband RARELY asks me for things, and if he does, it’s usually something tech-related … in the past, I would have grumbled my way through the job … or I may have teased him for his shortcomings … I didn’t want to do that anymore … I wanted my husband to remember me as someone who helped him out when he needed it …
Going through THIS process of deciding how I wanted to be remembered was super powerful for me … it definitely led to a change of heart … a change of mindset … and a lot of changed actions …
No more resentment …
No more irritation …
No more …
No more …
Instead?
Kindness.
Love.
And respect.
It’s altered the experience dramatically.
It dramatically influenced our harvest experience this year … no hatred … no disgust … no irritation … no anger … no resentment … just understanding … love … kindness … and respect …
No residual negative feelings following harvest either … just gratitude that he’s been home more … love … kindness … and respect …
The process has been slow … but bit by bit by bit … it’s all coming together …
The proof? Today, my husband went to the hunting shack, and there is no bitterness.
There is only love … kindness … and respect … something he’s shown me all the days we’ve been together …
It’s about time I start returning the favour …
Our Life Well Lived - Leanne Hintz 