Growth, joy, Relationships

I’m Not Happy

At the beginning of September, I signed up for a Focusing on Fall challenge group … basically, it forced me to set some goals for September and “beyond.” 

So I did what I was supposed to do … jotting down some goals for the remainder of 2020, as well as specific tasks to complete each day to ensure I reach those goals … 

Some of my goals are work-related … like LIVE story time every Wednesday afternoon … some of my goals are personal … like my daily checklist … and some of my goals are related to building community and connection on my FB page and through my blog … I also have some “kid” goals … like making sure we read together every night … 

As we move through September here, I’ve been “ticking” all the boxes … meeting the deadlines I’ve set (for the most part) … accomplishing what I said I wanted to accomplish … 

But, I’m STILL not satisfied … 

In the last 13 days, I got 100% in these seven “important-to-me” categories … 

  • Reading to the Kids 
  • Daily Gratitude List 
  • Taking My Vitamins 
  • Drinking One Water Bottle by 1:00 p.m. 
  • Tapping with Mackenzie (for the seven days we committed to it)
  • Daily Mindfulness Exercise 
  • Daily Tapping 

I’ve also written a couple of longer blog posts and led a small group of people through a “Gratitude Buddy” Challenge (we wrap up tomorrow) … my work projects are gaining a lot of attention and getting the “spot” that they deserve on our school division’s resource bank … 

But, I’m STILL not satisfied … 

The rest of my “results” are as follows …

  • FB Post / Morning Reflection – 88%
  • Learning Something while I Get Myself Ready – 73%
  • Drinking a Second Water Bottle by Suppertime – 85%
  • 15 Minutes of Cardio – 73% (I usually did a little “something” every day, but might not have hit the 15-minute mark)

Writing this down here definitely shows me where I need to put in a little more effort … but, I’m not quite convinced that just “bumping” these few things up will actually make me happy …

Something’s missing … 

But I don’t know what to ADD … or what to SUBTRACT (I’ve done a TON of subtracting over the years) … 

to make life richer … 

to make life better … 

to be happier … 

Actually … that’s NOT TRUE … 

I do KNOW what’s missing … I KNOW what I’m yearning for … but I can’t seem to make it happen … or I can’t quite “get there” in the time I have sometimes … or without interruption … 

I am YEARNING for deep and meaningful HUMAN CONNECTION … beyond the surface-level, day-to-day activities I (we) participate in … beyond the grocery store chit chat … beyond basic “parking lot” small talk … 

I’m YEARNING for beautiful and honest CONVERSATION about what’s going well … but also about what’s concerning you right now … your celebrations … but also your trials … 

I want to know your dreams … what you’re working towards … 

I’m YEARNING for INTELLECTUAL conversation that focuses on solutions or possibilities … not excuses or limitations … 

I’m LOOKING for THOUGHTFULNESS … and careful CONSIDERATION … WISDOM and INSIGHT … 

I’m LOOKING for BEAUTY … 

I’m LOOKING for MEANINGFUL CONNECTION … 

Someone who LISTENS, and someone I can LISTEN TO … 

BUT HOW?

HOW do I cultivate MORE of this?

With children present, there’s ALWAYS interruptions … and “the good stuff” I’m yearning for isn’t ALWAYS suitable for little ears … 

I trust that the solution is ONE-on-ONE time … 

I KNOW this (and I think I have KNOWN this for a long time), but it can be really hard to cultivate and maintain … I KNOW this from trying (and repeatedly failing) to make this a “regular’ part of my life for the last million years … 

I can hear the excuses already … they’re LOUD and CLEAR … 

What if I can’t get others to commit? Does this even matter to other people?

What do I do with the other kids during one-on-one time with their sibling?

Where do I squeeze this into my already busy schedule?

Why do I have to initiate and orchestrate these things all of the time? If it was important to others, wouldn’t they reach out to me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah … 

But, I should probably (at least try to) DO IT ANYWAY … for the next ten days, I am going to take ONE action step PER DAY to cultivate MEANINGFUL connection … this means being fully present and fully engaged with ONE other human being … this might be in my work … this might be with my kids … this might be with my mom … this might be with a friend … 

Every day, I will TRY something … 

I can DO this …

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