Enough

I have a confession to make …

I haven’t been doing all of those things that I wrote about in my last post (“Even Though”) back on April 12th … I haven’t been creating, I haven’t been reading, I haven’t been spending a whole lot of time with my kids (even though they’re in my midst), I haven’t been contacting my friends (or my family), I haven’t set any goals, I haven’t written a thank you note, I haven’t written at all actually, I haven’t served, I haven’t been resting … 

Heck … some days I haven’t even gone for a walk or written down a single thing I’m grateful for. Some days I haven’t listened to music. And those “enough lists” I talked about in my last FB Live? Even those seem like TOO MUCH right now,

What a hypocrite! I can’t even practice what I preach! 

Yesterday, all of THIS hit me … and it brought me to my knees (and made me cry like a little baby) … my list of celebrations during our time of self-isolation is long and there have been SO MANY sweet, sweet moments along the way … but my personal list of regrets seems LONGER for some reason … 

I’ve been … 

• scrolling social media WAY TOO MUCH … seemingly YEARNING for SOMETHING (though I’m not sure exactly what)
• developing projects for work that aren’t likely to be used by anyone
• picking the “wrong” books to listen to or read
• ignoring my husband
• “skipping” opportunities to hang out with my kids one-on-one
• taking things personally
• allowing too much iPad / screen time (especially for my toddler)
• eating crappy foods
• letting the kids “slack off” with their school work (and with helping out around the house)
• feeling defeated … and weary
• letting “personal care” go … no makeup, another messy bun … the kids are often in their pajamas for the day … hair is unkempt …

But I’ve also been …

• working full-time (which means staff meetings, supporting other homeschool families, marking, meeting with students, project development, and the like)
• working hard to declutter our home (again? Or always?)
• cleaning, so we have space(s) to enjoy our time together
• trying to “linger” a little longer for the kids at bedtime (hoping they drift off to sleep feeling loved and cared for)
• preparing decent meals and snacks (multiple times a day)
• sitting with the kids during meal (and snack) time
• trying to support the kids’ creative projects
• teaching the kids some important lessons about Water in the World and Children’s Rights to clean drinking water
• responding to the kids’ bids to spend time with me
• helping Madilyn with reading, writing, and math
• keeping Cambri happy

Yesterday, after spending hours and hours and hours cleaning the house, I sat down with a cup of flavoured coffee, and just let “it all” sink in for a few minutes … 

• Those horrible, horrible feelings of overwhelm that GET ME way too often (and run counter to everything I want to be) …
• Those horrible, horrible feelings of NOT BEING ENOUGH … NOT DOING ENOUGH … 
• Those horrible, horrible feelings of screwing it all up …

I cried for ALL that I AM NOT … for all that I JUST CAN’T seem to do (or get to) right now … 

I cried and cried and cried.

And then I put on some music … REALLY, REALLY LOUD … and I let the words sink …

“Even when I don’t feel it You’re working … 

Even when I don’t see it You’re working … 

You never stop, You never stop working.” 

And then I cried some more … because, for some reason, I CANNOT fix my eyes on what’s important right now … I CANNOT (DO NOT) give myself ANY grace … 

In fact, I am CONVINCED that God would be disappointed in me right now too … 

He’d be disappointed that I am NOT practicing what I preach … 

He’d be upset with me for focusing on the wrong things (like social media, for example) … 

He’d notice that I wasn’t doing my best … 

And I cried some more. 

I hold myself up to these (seemingly) IMPOSSIBLE standards, and I FAIL over and over and over again … it’s an age-old, very TYPICAL Leanne-battle … 

I can’t seem to remember though that in these times of self-isolation, there is NO HELP … NO SUPPORT SYSTEM for people … and with NO HELP, it means that (with my husband away more now) I am all there is … and instead of giving myself the GRACE I so desperately need … I beat myself up … again and again and again … 

And I just can’t seem to accept that I can’t DO IT ALL! 

As I cried (only for the second time since this whole self-isolation thing all started), I couldn’t help but wonder who else might be crying right then too … I couldn’t help but wonder who else was “buckling” under all of the pressure … 

I wondered WHO ELSE just needed …

someone to reach out to them

someone to gather them in their arms

someone to say, “You are ENOUGH!”

I know just writing these words here for you to read isn’t enough … it’s not the hug you need … it’s not the whisper in your ear you’re yearning for … but YOU ARE ENOUGH … and I AM ENOUGH too … 

Perhaps God is ACHING for us all to start believing it … perhaps, He is whispering in our ears (or yelling from the rooftops), “That’s ENOUGH!” (as we do with our own children at times). 

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

I AM ENOUGH.

Happy Sunday, my beautiful friends! 

I miss you all so much!