Last night, I mourned. I stepped away from my children for a few minutes and just cried.
The apparent breaking point for me was the struggle I was having getting my one-year-old’s Minion pajamas on following her bath. She was having none of it, writhing in my arms as I wrestled first one leg, then another. Each time I aimed to sit her in my lap to try to get her shirt on, she’d escape. She was ruthless. I tossed the shirt, and stormed out of the room; running my hands through my hair, I heard myself say, “Mommy’s going crazy!” I went to my room for my own time out, screamed into the blankets, and cried.
“I … just … can’t … do it all,” I heard myself say. Followed by, “I’m just not ENOUGH for everyone. It doesn’t matter how much I do, it’s still not enough.”
And I cried. I mourned, actually, because of ALL I WAS NOT able to accomplish that day.
I DID NOT spend any time with JUST MACKENZIE (and she really, really needed it).
I DID NOT just sit and play and be with the baby.
I DID NOT take anyone outside for fresh air and a play.
I DID NOT eat supper with the kids.
I DID NOT help the big girls at all with their bath (in fact, I was upset with them because they are using WAY too much soap lately, and they know better).
I DID NOT support them in the morning to be creative or get some exercise.
I DID NOT help Mackenzie brush her teeth.
I DID NOT fix up Madilyn’s hair at all.
I DID NOT sit and do anything with them (even when they invited me in).
I DID NOT …
I DID NOT …
I DID NOT …
AND I mourned.
My oldest daughter knocked on my bedroom door, asking if I was okay. I wasn’t.
“I’m just really overwhelmed right now,” I told her … something they hear far too much, I think.
“Can I come in? I want to give you a hug,” she pleads.
I go out, and she … holds … me. She tells me how much she loves me, the shirtless baby at our feet. “See, Mommy, Cami loves you too.”
And I cry just a little more.
And THIS is WHY I want to be EVERYTHING for them … because they are EVERYTHING to me …
2 thoughts on “I Mourned”
On Tue, Oct 2, 2018 at 6:32 AM Our Life Well Lived wrote:
> ourlifewelllivedleannehintz posted: “Last night, I mourned. I stepped away > from my children for a few minutes and just cried. The apparent breaking > point for me was the struggle I was having getting my one-year-old’s Minion > pajamas on following her bath. She was having none of it, writhing ” >