Originally drafted March 22, 2018 …
11:47 a.m.
Do you hear that?
That … is the sound of peace. I am going to savour it … I mean really savour it. Lately, it feels that there has just been … so … much … crying in this house or in the car … really wherever Hintz Baby #3 is, there is lots of crying. I’ve been hard pressed lately to find a happy place for this baby, actually.
11:49 a.m.
She’s already squawking … and her 20 minute nap is complete. I did have time to scarf down some lunch though, turn on the dryer, clean my laptop screen, and check out FB.
11:51 a.m.
Quiet again. I’ll try to etch out a few more words. As for the “happy place” … can’t really seem to find one. It’s not her jumper, it’s not her exersaucer, it’s not her bumbo, the floor is no good, her crib … not her favourite, the carseat … absolutely not. Maybe in my left arm, carrying her around wherever I go … but PEOPLE! My arm …
11:53 a.m.
More squawking. Oh, and that fist in her mouth again … do you know what that means? That means she has to either burp or spit up.
11:55 a.m.
She had rolled herself onto her tummy, and spit up. Try the sucky again. Maybe she’ll go back to sleep.
11:56 a.m.
Crying. Mom tries to hold in the curse words that seem just a bit too close to exiting lately. Let’s try a deep breath instead. How many deep breaths have I taken today? So, so many.
11:57 a.m. Cute baby sounds … and back to crying. Go pick her up. Maybe if she’s on my lap, I can get a few more words typed.
Lately, I am REALLY STRUGGLING to find the joy in caring for this baby. I feel grumpy and on edge. I am swearing (mostly under my breath or in my head). I am getting angry. I feel like screaming (and sometimes I do). I feel a bit trapped, and a bit frustrated that I don’t have the time or the energy to do some of the things that I want to do (because let’s face it … some things cannot be done while wrestling with a squirmy baby). And you know what? When this baby cries, it stresses me out. And when I am stressed, I cannot be the mom that I want to be. And then I am upset because I cannot be the mom that I want to be. I feel like lately when people ask me about this baby, I’ve been jokingly responding with “she’s for rent” or maybe even “she’s for sale” … and of course, I am not serious, but in a tiny little way, I am.
12:06 p.m. No longer happy on my lap … let’s try another nap. More crying. Give her a minute, and try the sucky again. Quiet.
I’ve also caught …
12:08 p.m. Crying.
myself saying, “This sucks!” or “You suck!” And in my heart, I know it’s SO WRONG, but IT DOES SUCK! Try the soother again. Tears now … my own! For the guilt … now, we’re both crying. Sobbing actually. A first for me …
12:17 p.m. On my lap and quiet as I get back to typing. Not sure what to type next … I cry out to God … he’s got to help me through this, because I … just … can’t … do it … anymore.
12:21 p.m. I stand her up on my lap, because she’s getting squirmy. Try to type with one hand … it would be so much quicker with two hands.
I feel like I have been so desperately trying to ensure that I am doing “all the right things” to cope (and take care of myself) and make our lives easier and better, but I am still screwing up, I am still feeling trapped, and I am still GOING COMPLETELY CRAZY with all of this crying and unhappiness!!! If there was anything I could do to make this baby more comfortable, more happy … crying again (me too) and writhing in my lap (12:26 p.m.). Try laying her down again … more screaming, only louder now! Give her (and me) a minute. Try the soother again. Quiet.
As I was saying … it there was anything I could do to make this reflux baby more comfortable, more happy, I would do it. I have her mattress tilted up so she sleeps a little more upright, I have tried many different formulas, she is on an antacid medication two times a day, I give her a probiotic every day, I have added rice cereal to her milk, I have tried all sorts of oily concoctions, I have taken her to an athletic therapist … I honestly feel like I have tried EVERYTHING and the kid still burps and spits up ALL DAY LONG. She has very short naps, because she is constantly awakened by the need to burp or spit up. She cries while travelling because she needs to burp or spit up.
I am so TIRED of baby puke. I am so TIRED of constant crying. I am so TIRED of trying EVERYTHING, and nothing is working. I am JUST SO TIRED. Today, Hintz Baby #3 is 203 days old, so approximately 6.5 months. She is supposed to be 135 days old, or approximately 4.5 months. I keep telling myself that things will get better. I keep telling myself that … squawking again. Crying actually (12:42 p.m.). Try the soother again. Quiet. I keep telling myself that “this too shall pass” or “there’s people who would give anything for this (having a healthy baby, with the exception of the reflux)” or “things could always be worse” or “you should be more grateful,” but unfortunately, I’m not finding comfort in any of it right now. To be honest, this “season” kind of sucks.
So why am I writing this? I am writing this FOR ME so I can figure out what’s what and get my act together. I am NOT writing this for pity. I don’t want any “you poor things” or “poor Leanne.” I am writing this because THIS is my STORY right now. This is my maddening, CRAZY story. This is MY EXCUSE. This is what’s holding me back right now. This is what’s preventing me from setting goals. This is what’s preventing me from being a better wife and a better mother to my big girls and a better daughter to my parents. All of this is WHY.
But even as I write this, I can smell the BS! Complete BS! … YES, here I am swearing again.
I am writing this because I have to “get the you-know-what over this BS” of excuses. I am NOT doing nearly as much as I should be each day to look after myself and to cope. I am NOT taking the time to deal with my issues. I am NOT taking the time to work on the things that are important to me. I am NOT (obviously) using the BEST strategies to manage my emotions (especially in moments of complete STRESS and OVERWHELM). I am distracting myself with the trivial. I am focusing on the wrong things AGAIN.
Here’s what I need to do to make things better:
- I need to get more sleep. If this means a night or two downstairs, I need to take a night or two downstairs.
- 5:00 a.m. wakeups, but have a plan the night before of what I want to research, read, or learn about (instead of just browsing social media)
- morning prayer
- drink more water
- vitamins
- bedtime prep (my breakfast at least)
- minimum of 100 reps a day of upper and/or lower body exercises
- diastasis recti exercises EVERY DAY
- go for walks
- do more of the things that bring me joy (like writing)
- follow the callings of my heart
- get down to my children’s level to speak to them (or invite them to sit with me, so we can chat)
- hug and hold my children more
- get back to reading and holding Madilyn before bed
How to cope with Cambri’s crying …
- deep breaths
- attempt to soothe her
- spend a bit of “good” time with her / play with her
- accept that I may have to carry her around some (use the carrier to give my arms a rest)
- stay calm
- mantra?
- remind myself getting angry doesn’t help
- take a timeout to regroup
- babysitter?
Our Life Well Lived - Leanne Hintz 