Back in Love

So when it comes to my children, I sometimes NEED a break. This occurred to me again late last week. By midweek Big M was driving me crazy. Now, be mindful of my current state … my mhusband is away at school right now, so it’s just me and the kids. ALL. DAY. LONG. No 6:00 relief (a.m. or p.m.). No evening helper. Just me and the kids.

So Big M was in one of her delightful question every single little thing in life “moods.” Each simple request was counteracted with a “Why?”

Me: “Big M, please put your boots on the shelf.”
Big M: “Why?”
Me: Deep breath. I hear my mother: “Because I said so.” What I should have said: “Because that’s where boots belong.”

Multiply this simple circumstance by … I don’t know … 100 times?

Add in a little whining, a couple of fits, maybe the odd snotty voice, forgotten manners, and a sprinkle (no, a good dollop) of pushing the mommy boundaries. Ugh. Mommy … is … DONE.

My best efforts to be patient and understanding (and not thoroughly irritated) fail. I actually become a little afraid of the mommy Big M is turning me into. So I do the unthinkable (because I don’t want to be THAT crazy, totally lose my mind Mommy I am so terribly scared of – the Mommy who yells, the Mommy who spanks) … I book Big M into daycare for the day. The thought of spending another day with her truly sickens me.

I actually drove her 55 kilometres into town, came back home, painted the bathroom (to justify my need for childcare, in case anyone asked … a whole ‘nother topic), then drove another 55 kilometres to go pick her up at the end of the day, then back home again (if you’re calculating, that’s 220 kilometres or two plus hours of driving). Now, that in itself might grant me some sort of “Crazy Mommy of the Year Award.” Who in the hell would do that? A truly desperate mommy. Someone who desperately NEEDED a break.

No question, I love Big M … I also love listening to music, reading, writing, and organizing stuff … and just as I need a break from these things, I sometimes need a break from Big M too. That day away from Big M (and a few days with Daddy around after that) helped fill up my patience and understanding pot again. Yesterday, Big M was sick (throwing up a handful of times). Her vulnerability, her feebleness, her desperate need for her mommy helped fill the pot a bit more.

I’m refreshed, ready to be the best mommy I can be again. I’ve fallen in love with my little girl again.

1 thought on “Back in Love”

  1. I have experienced all of these feelings and behavior's that you write about! I think all moms experience this, we always love our children but at times, maybe don't like them and don't want to be around them.

    I think breaks are needed, for mom and for the kids! And I think we are better moms for taking a needed break and re-charging! I have started using a counting system for behavior's I want to stop, such as whining, screaming, fighting, talking back, etc. Instead of getting upset myself and talking and explaining to them why they should stop there behavior I just count, if I get to 3, they go for a time out, no talking and no emotion. I read a book and it talks about how we talk too much and show too much emotion and end up arguing with them and it all escalates so fast, before you know it, you are both yelling and someone may even end up with a spanking! This way, it doesn't escalate, no yelling, and no spanking. I was becoming a mom I didn't want to be! I felt I was failing and I was yelling a lot. With the counting, I feel more in control of my emotions and the kids have actually started behaving better and stop the behavior before I even get to 3. After the time out, if they get 1, I don't explain or talk about it, all I say is times up! The book states, we end up changing our explanation and the child is usually a bit upset and doesn't absorb it anyway, unless it is a new behavior or something really bad. This way I don't feel as such a nag either.

    I think what is really important is that all moms feel this way from time to time and it is ok! I love my children more than anything but I also know we need to take care of ourselves as well.


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