Missing My First

Well Little M is quickly approaching four months, and, of course, I love her to pieces. With the exception of one 24 hour stint and the odd hour here and there, she has been with me. When I think about it, it’s sort of crazy. That’s 119 days straight of meeting her incessant needs!

It’s no wonder I long for a few moments (or maybe hours) away from Little M, not to be alone necessarily, but to be the Mommy I so badly want to be to Big M. To be honest, I miss Big M. Actually, I REALLY miss Big M. I miss all the fun … all the UNINTERRUPTED fun we used to have … playdough, puzzles, crafts, swinging, sliding, tag, reading, wagon rides, walks, baking, etc. I really need some one on one time with Big M. I so badly want to just get dressed up and go run around outside, or go down to the basement and play tag, or just sit and read book after book after book. I want to do these things until we tire of it, not until Little M squawks or wakes up or needs to be fed. I just want to play and enjoy Big M for a really long, uninterrupted time.

I don’t want to have to worry about carrying a monitor in case Little M wakes up; I don’t want to have to limit the number of times Big M goes down the slide because Little M is crying; I don’t want to stay home when Big M wants to go somewhere because it’s in Little M’s best interest; I don’t want to cut our bedtime hugs and kisses short because Little M is crying in the next room.

Since Little M’s arrival, I have heard myself saying “no” or “not right now” a little too often to Big M’s requests to do something or to have me join in on her fun. Often, the “no” stems from addressing Little M’s needs at the time … “Little M is napping right now,” “Little M is awake right now,” “Little M needs to be burped,” “Little M will be awake soon,” or “I have to feed Little M now.”

I so badly want to just ENJOY Big M again. I want to bask in all of her wonderful little antics. I want to relish in the things that she truly loves to do. I want to quit wasting away these precious days with “nos” and “not right nows.” Every “no” or “not right now” tugs a little at my heart. That’s not the mommy I want to be. I really want to say “yes” more.

I think it’s time to book a babysitter 🙂